relief

My last post was pretty long and had a depressingly vague ending, so I decided to make a part two. Because some things evolved and/or just changed.
I was supposed to meet up with this guy (K.) after a few days. I was dreading this moment, but it seemed like he just couldn't wait - he kept calling and texting me. For example, he sent me a text asking about ~our next date~, to which I said that I was with my friends and I'd talk to him after I come home. He then asked me what time I want to meet up and I didn't text him back, so he called me and was scared that I was mad at him. Oh boy.
Anyway, he was kinda annoying, so I came back home and wrote to him on facebook. I was waiting for our meeting to tell him how I feel, but I just couldn't bear it any longer. I told him that it was a mistake and I don't want to be this way with him, we should stay friends and he should stop bugging me so much. I thought he'd be sad or mad and leave me alone, but actually he started apologizing and was like "hey okay let's meet up tomorrow (!!! grrrr) and be just like friends I just want you to criticize my book haha". And he said  that he kept texting me only because he thought I would get angry if he didn't keep in touch.
So. Yeah. We met up the next day. He bought a beer for himself and I just wanted water. We went to the forest and talked about his book and stuff. After some time we started talking about previous day's conversation. Turns out he didn't want a relationship with me, he was just "listening to his heart's voice" and "wanted to have an adventure without thinking about the future". And I should have been hurt? But I wasn't, cause he was really unconvincing. Like... I'm not someone with high self-esteem, it's hard for me to believe that anyone would like me in this way. But with K... it was obvious... He told me about a job he might have in England and that, when he's there, he's definitely going to "continue meeting up with me"! You can only imagine how happy that made me... ugh. He asked me if I didn't want to try being friends with benefits with him, and he laughed at how quickly I said "no". Then we started talking about comics and fantasy, then he started telling me about his BA and MA works, then about politics and Atlantis... And it was interesting, but I wanted to go home already... I did listen to him. It's just that... That's all it was. He talked, I listened. It was the same before. It was hard to even pick a moment and say "so hey guess I'll be going home", but I finally did it. And he insisted on walking me back...
Hey, maybe some people would like a boyfriend like that. He's kinda handsome, sweet, caring, talented (his novel is kinda interesting, even though it's very basic [good fighting evil] and has loads. LOADS of typos and mistakes [he's dyslexic]. Also his sketches were good. And he's good with a sword or a stick) etc etc, but he's just not the type for me. It's like he's trying too hard to please, it's not natural. He thinks our meetings were "nice and romantic", whereas I think they were "nice but awkward". He felt "relaxed and happy" - I felt "conscious and impatient". He seems lonely to me; it's like he's trying very hard to find a girlfriend. He's too open, too naive. I didn't really like him back in the days. I just liked the idea of him.
Later that day he told me on facebook that he has a crush on me. I turned my Wifi off and went to sleep. LIKE A LOOSER I know don't judge me.
We talked yesterday and he suggested another meeting, but I said we can just talk over facebook and that will be enough for me. So... I hope he will soon forget me. I feel bad for him, but he's the one that took everything to another level.
And also... about my crush... He wasn't mad! His internet keeps breaking down and he's been feeling worse lately because of his allergies. He's actually the opposite of mad! He wrote me his "sorry"s about not responding and we met up since then like twice or thrice and talked everyday. He's still going to school and he writes to me in the morning, asking if I'm still asleep, and then we talk... etc. He suggested doing a Hobbit + LORT or Harry Potter marathon, he invited me to go with him and maybe his friend to the sea, we were sad about how we won't see each other when I'm away and last time we met up (it was him and his friends), I wasn't sure if he really wanted me to be there, so I was pretty quiet; later he asked me about what was wrong and I said "I thought you might not wanted to see me"; his response was "I always want to see you". 

He's really lovely and I'm kinda scared, because it seems like he might have feelings for me, too. And I would totally do the first move or show him that it's okay to do something (yup, he told me he never hits on a girl until he's sure they want it), but then I think about leaving my home and just basically... Yeah, I don't think it would work out. Also, he's crazy (in a cute way) and always has interesting stories to tell. I'm just plain and boring. I don't know how he puts up with me.

frustration + confusion

Yesterday I did a thing and now I regret that thing.
It's not even big deal.
But yeah, let's start from the beginning.
I used to fence. It was about 5 years ago, I think? Or maybe four... Anyway, I met some really cool people while training. Unfortunately, I stopped going there and shortly after I heard that the group just broke up.
It was a shame, really, but I had other things on my mind so the sadness passed quickly. I still met some people from trainings - coincidental meetings on the street, small talk etc.
Well there was this one guy that I fancied back in the days (hahahah it makes me sound so old) and I've run into him approximately two weeks ago. We talked a bit and even decided to go for a beer after I'm done with my finals. To be honest, I thought he would just forget about it and it would be over; and I would have absolutely no problem with that. But he texted me the day before yesterday and reminded about the beer we were supposed to have. Soooo we met up yesterday.
And yeah,it was nice. It rained a lot and our feet were soaked wet, but it was nice. He talked a lot, which was fine by me, since I didn't really know what I could tell him. Later we went to his place, and it turned out he draws portraits and architecture etc. (his sketches were really good!), writes (he finished a first part of his novel and gave it to me to read) and well I guess he seemed like an interesting person.
Then his friends called and wanted to meet up downstairs, so I was a bit relieved to have an excuse to go home (wow, I probably sound rude, but I didn't expect the meeting to last so long; it was past 9 o'clock and I thought it wouldn't last past 7 pm...).
He insisted on walking with me a bit so I agreed to it. Then... he asked me if I treated this meeting as a date. I didn't really know how to respond???? But on the spur of a moment, I just said "okay, we could" aaaand that's what I regret now. We kissed and he seemed very happy and insisted on meeting up again soon. Like, SOON. I told him we can meet next week, because I have some plans with classmates and friends and this weekend is kinda full, which wasn't a lie, if I may just clarify! But he wanted to have ~another date quickly... And I am very... not-assertive. And now I regret it.
Because, you know. I did fancy him a few years ago and he was really sweet, so I just agreed to it. But I don't fancy him now. I walked the rest of my home alone, and during this time I thought about what happened. I'm ashamed to say that I can't really think clearly when I'm confused and don't know what to do/say; hence I let him kiss me and agreed to another date. But gosh... There are so many reasons why I shouldn't have done that...
Not only I don't really like him all that much (he's okay, but let's say I don't want a partner like that). He's really clingy and acts like a very emotional 16 y.o., but... he's... 30... And I ain't even making this up. I actually thought he's like, 24 or 25, but on the memory stick he gave me (with the novel) was his CV and his birth date is there. So yeah. Wow. He looks younger, but... he's really thirty. Wow. Maybe if I was crazy for him, that'd be okay. But in this situation, it's a no-no.
Another reason is, I like someone else? But I just understood it yesterday? Gosh that's such a cliche, I am so embarrassed. So, right now, I don't think I'll be able to like someone else this way.
And that's not all! I am going to Cardiff to study (I HOPE! I'm like, 90% sure. I'll see if the government likes me. And I would live with my besties and it's would be the best thing ever!!! <3), so I'm not looking for a relationship right now.
But he is so clingy... He called me yesterday to be sure if I came home unharmed and to say how glad he was about the turn of events. Maybe that's sweet, but I feel awkward talking to him? And he called me today, twice! To ask if I wanted to go out for a bit and then to say sorry for staying with his friends (even though I honestly told him it was okay/I didn't care). I told him about my studies yesterday (on the phone), but it's like he's forgotten it  entirely.
I feel like he genuinely wants a relationship (like, not just sex and leave. A proper relationship), and I'm just totally not ready and so unprepared for it. I believe it will turn out okay, but it's still making me nervous. I'm not even going on facebook because I know he's waiting there... I'm a terrible person. A terrible coward. Wow.

Oh, oh! And that's not even the worst! The worst thing is, I told this story to a guy I like. Yeah, the one I realized I like after it all happened. Annnnd he hasn't spoken to me today yet. We used to talk every day, then we stopped for a bit during my finals so I could concentrate on studying, but I thought we'd be back to this thing of ours. Well. We'll see. I don't really plan on confessing to him. I just want to stay friends. And maybe make out a little. No, scratch that last part. I'd be really happy if we just kept in contact and were as we used to be.

I love this song. *_* Currently, I'm dreaming of going to Japan and meeting Hachi~ Wah-hah-haha~

Wow. Writing it all here was better than talking to friends about it.

I think I'll stick with the blog if I have something to share in the future.

cravings

Lately I have been feeling a bit lonely and it's like I need human contact. I don't usually feel like that. I do hug people a lot, but personal space is still important for me and more often than not I prefer to relax by myself at home.
I guess it's because my body got used to being close to someone else. First, I visited my friend during winter holidays - which was amazing, by the way - and we slept together. Then I had a sleepover with A. and Z., and then right after I was at M.'s and now that I'm back home, in my bed (which is too big for me), it feels kinda empty. I wish I could throw my hand around someone or feel their head resting against my shoulder or their chest against my back. I've become needy~

friend sent this to me and now it's stuck in my head

Also I wanted to keep it a secret, but I don't want to forget it later, so...

He let it go for me (he doesn't ever do that 'cause it's messy blah blah)

since I wanted him to, and he was so~ embarrassed later because of that.

How cute!!! Also thighs. Rocks. How is that possible. A+ thighs.

((It was more watery than I thought))

winter holidays

I haven't written for some time, but today I had a weird dream, so of course it's perfect for a post.
Anyway, I had a dream where I think I tried to clean my eye or something, but not using water, just trying to do it with my finger (maybe?). Anyway, I looked into the mirror and... how do I describe it?
When you look at your eye, it's not a perfect globe. It has a bulge right where the iris is. In my dream, that bulge was gone and my eye was very sharp, like a picture in HD. I actually lost my cornea???? It was so weird. Wow, I'm writing so badly. I'm sorry, I'm out of practice etc.
Anyway, in my dream, I looked down and tugged my lid away and there was my cornea; it has just moved up earlier. So I took it out, like a really big contact lens (that could cover my entire eye) and put it back in. Bam, end of dream. Don't ask me, it was disturbing.

Any way, when this dream ended, another one started. I don't know, I think I've been partially concious by then, but I liked this one, actually.
As my friends know quite well, I am super super excited for the second season of Hannibal. And so, I dreamed about him! Wow. Still can't believe that. It was all highly unlikely and stuff, but still nice.
It was like... I have been invited to Hannibal's dinner parties a few times, then by myself and we got close. Not like, we fell in love, ew, no. We haven't even hugged once, now that I think about it? Wow. That's a shame. Well, whatever. In this dream, sometimes I had nosebleeds, I think maybe my blood was too thin? Or something?
I found out he was feeding me human meat (because the rabbit didn't taste like rabbit etc.), but I kept indulging him and, surprisingly, myself. I later told him that I know about his secret, and that "I never liked liver, but this accountant's is very delicious".
Some time has passed and he kept inviting me. He told me that my heart would be very tasty. Later I noticed my nosebleed were getting more frequent. I realized he was feeding me only read meat (I don't know if it actually causes this illness I had, but it did in my dream, so shush), and when I confronted him about it, he admitted he wanted to kill me and eat my heart. I just asked him to let me write my will and to do it in a way that would cause me no pain. I don't really know what happened later.

Well. All I had to say is that I have a need to write up that will. Just in case I die suddenly or something.

good times

Lately I've been having some bursts of inspiration... Not big ones, just small ideas that keep me searching for a piece of paper and a pencil. I've missed that feeling.
I'm also trying to look at my drawings in a kinder manner than I used to. They aren't that bad, I guess. There's still lots of room for improvement, but they aren't really as ugly as they have always seemed to me. At least some of them, yeah.
This is a good thing, but also it isn't... It distracts me so, especially when I need to be doing my homework or studying or tidying my room. But it's a nice distraction, a relaxation, and I suppose I'll just use it for as long as I can, before I lose it again. Holding a pencil with my mind completely blank was, to be frank, a depressing feeling. Now I'm filling up my sketchbook at the speed of light. Some of it is just crap, some of it is okay. That's good enough for now.

I've been listening to this song on loop for like an hour. It is really good.

To bad she gets so much hate from her previous song that it casts shadow on her actual talent.

Although I'm not a fan of her "We can't stop" or whatever the name was, and I detested her performance with Thicke (mainly because of said man), this song is worth spreading. But when I mention it, I usually just get funny looks, because "WOW SHE'S NAKED IN THE VIDEO WHAT A SLUT HAVE YOU SEEN THE WAY SHE WAS LICKING THAT HAMMER" or something... Well. Shut up. Just listen. Yeah.

uncertainty

I went to my additional English classes today and there was this super (ღ˘⌣˘ღ) cute (ღ˘⌣˘ღ) person (ღ˘⌣˘ღ) Like, really, such a pretty smile and face and then when we were supposed to talk about each other, 'cause most of the people were new to the group, they were like "I want to learn the language not only for school but because I want to travel" and then after the classes they said to me they liked my accent and I'm just internally having a breakdown, 'cause I've been working on my accent for ages but it still is terrible but they seemed to genuinely like it? I don't know, IT'S THOSE SMALL THINGS okay.

Also they like TV series so like yessssss maybe have something in common and can be friends or something...

(ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

(ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

(ღ˘⌣˘ღ) welp (ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

(ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

BUT before we all get cheery and stuff, I was thinking about what I want to do in the future and literally it was so hard to come up with anything. Even traveling - it doesn't really seem all that appealing when I'm supposed do travel alone. Not cool. And who would I have? I thought about languages: English is not impressive any more and I think the only thing left for me to do would be becoming a teacher, which, ugh, please no. Japanese on the other hand would be much more desirable and interesting, but then, if I want to study it in Poland, the universities requirements are two foreign languages and Polish. Which kinda sucks because I always had just one foreign language, and then in high school it's like a continuation of German. I wanted to go to some basic German classes instead of English (or French, French would be perfect), but my aunt's like "nah you gotta master da english first" so. Yeah. I should try and study by myself. Which is... bound to be a failure.

So that's a no for a foreign language.

I eveeeeeen though about art. Because, why not, I see works of people that study in universities and they aren't always that good. But 1) it's really hard to get in 2) I'm completely unprepared 3) My drawings aren't good, but my imagination is bad, too, so I don't get any extra points for creativity 4) what would I even do after that?

I'm thinking about maintenance of art or like taxidermy ('cause hey, admit it, that'd be cool) but I think I need different majors in high school for that  (╯︵╰,) so  (╯︵╰,)...

Definitely don't want to do anything with Polish. That's the one thing I'm sure about.

quick post before i go to bed

There is something that has been bugging me lately.
There is that one thought in the back of my head that sometimes decides to just spontaneously come forward and distract me from everything around.
Well, it's not that bad; it usually happens when I'm in class. I don't know why. We just read poems about suffering of the people or freedom and what it means and it just hits me then.
I just really want to go outside, right this moment. Pack my things, or really, just take my notebook and my pencil, and leave class without saying anything.
I know, I know; it's trivial. But I can't help my heart speeding up or beating so much harder. And thinking about it and thinking about it and thinking and thinking and

Of course I always stay in my seat. And it's like a small fight inside of me. It's like every time I think about it, a part of me does indeed get up and leaves, and finds a quiet, peaceful place miles and miles away from school and from my current life.
But the bigger part always stays and feels so unfulfilled. It's like every time it happens I remind myself "You're not brave enough to leave; you're too lazy to deal with the consequences; what is stopping you? You are a human being, you have free will, you can do it."
But then something as prosaic as few negative points on my school record or just mocking coming from my friends ('cause, how weird is that? Getting up and walking out like a lunatic. Who even does that, right?) stop me.

Well, writing my dreams sometimes helped me get them out of my head (to be replaced but different ones all the same, but still), so I hope it will work now, too. I just really hate feeling my heart pump the blood through my veins so hard and so quick, like preparing for something grand, when I do nothing in the end...
For now, goodnight.