There is something that has been bugging me lately.
There is that one thought in the back of my head that sometimes decides to just spontaneously come forward and distract me from everything around.
Well, it's not that bad; it usually happens when I'm in class. I don't know why. We just read poems about suffering of the people or freedom and what it means and it just hits me then.
I just really want to go outside, right this moment. Pack my things, or really, just take my notebook and my pencil, and leave class without saying anything.
I know, I know; it's trivial. But I can't help my heart speeding up or beating so much harder. And thinking about it and thinking about it and thinking and thinking and
Of course I always stay in my seat. And it's like a small fight inside of me. It's like every time I think about it, a part of me does indeed get up and leaves, and finds a quiet, peaceful place miles and miles away from school and from my current life.
But the bigger part always stays and feels so unfulfilled. It's like every time it happens I remind myself "You're not brave enough to leave; you're too lazy to deal with the consequences; what is stopping you? You are a human being, you have free will, you can do it."
But then something as prosaic as few negative points on my school record or just mocking coming from my friends ('cause, how weird is that? Getting up and walking out like a lunatic. Who even does that, right?) stop me.
Well, writing my dreams sometimes helped me get them out of my head (to be replaced but different ones all the same, but still), so I hope it will work now, too. I just really hate feeling my heart pump the blood through my veins so hard and so quick, like preparing for something grand, when I do nothing in the end...
For now, goodnight.
There is that one thought in the back of my head that sometimes decides to just spontaneously come forward and distract me from everything around.
Well, it's not that bad; it usually happens when I'm in class. I don't know why. We just read poems about suffering of the people or freedom and what it means and it just hits me then.
I just really want to go outside, right this moment. Pack my things, or really, just take my notebook and my pencil, and leave class without saying anything.
I know, I know; it's trivial. But I can't help my heart speeding up or beating so much harder. And thinking about it and thinking about it and thinking and thinking and
Of course I always stay in my seat. And it's like a small fight inside of me. It's like every time I think about it, a part of me does indeed get up and leaves, and finds a quiet, peaceful place miles and miles away from school and from my current life.
But the bigger part always stays and feels so unfulfilled. It's like every time it happens I remind myself "You're not brave enough to leave; you're too lazy to deal with the consequences; what is stopping you? You are a human being, you have free will, you can do it."
But then something as prosaic as few negative points on my school record or just mocking coming from my friends ('cause, how weird is that? Getting up and walking out like a lunatic. Who even does that, right?) stop me.
Well, writing my dreams sometimes helped me get them out of my head (to be replaced but different ones all the same, but still), so I hope it will work now, too. I just really hate feeling my heart pump the blood through my veins so hard and so quick, like preparing for something grand, when I do nothing in the end...
For now, goodnight.
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