worry

Few days ago I talked to an old friend of mine. We had actually talked a month earlier, but before that we lost touch for almost half a year I think. Anyway, when we were talking recently, she started a subject of her boyfriend and said she had some business for me. She and her boyfriend actually. So I got interested and asked her what was up, but then she asked me if I remember what she had told me about him that time we talked about a month before. And my mind became blank.

Of course she told me stuff about him, but I couldn't remember. The rest of the story is not really important, it's just that when stuff like this happens, when I can't remember what someone told me, I always feel so bad and so guilty and  during those moments I just wish I didn't exist or something like that.

Because I know, I know it's not my fault, but somehow I can't really believe it, and I can't seem to convert it to other people.

I really have no idea how my brain works, but even though my memory isn't that terrible when it comes to schoolwork or unimportant things, it's disastrous when I really need it.

It's not like people often confide in me or anything. But they tell me some things, like, about meeting someone, or what they were doing that one time, or what their opinions are, etc. etc., normal stuff. But it is important, it's not just some definition from a book, it's a part of their story, the feelings they experienced at a particular moment; and I do really think it's important. And I'm invested in the conversation, I listen and try to respond, 'cause when those people are dear to me, I am interested in their words.

But then after like a week, or sometimes even just after one day, my brain decides "nah, let's toss this memory to the back of the head, it's not like it'll ever be useful" and I forget. Dates, details, small informations, how much sugar does one person put in their tea, what book have they read recently, what was the name of their partner (YES, sometimes I even forget that). It's not like my life depends on it, but I like remembering small things about others, just to show that I do pay attention to them and care. But no matter what I do, most of those detail just escape my mind after a while and I just seem like a douche that couldn't even bother to listen or remember. Like I just pretended to listen. Like I didn't actually care.

And that's just pissing me off and it worries me all the same. Even when I explain to people that I have this problem*, and they say "It's fine, I'm not mad", I feel that they are still disappointed and they don't feel valued maybe and that's just how I bring people down without trying, completely unintentionally, and I disappoint myself.

And yeah, I say it is a problem, because I think it is serious. I didn't really mind it that much earlier, like, few years ago, but now, comparing those periods of time - now and then - I think my memory actually worsened. I often forget information about myself. Well, information is a bad word... But all I remember from childhood, and for me childhood includes middle school, too, are just few scenes, some faces and names, some more blurry than others. It might sound stupid, but I'm actually scared that when I reach a certain age, I might forget those too. Be left as a person with no recollection of my own past. One of the most important faces in my life might be dependent on mere pictures instead of my memory and that is just so horrible, I don't want to think about it. But I do, because my forgetfulness is getting worse. I wouldn't even call it a disease, and maybe I'm exaggerating a bit, maybe I'm just panicking, but, well, I figured I want to let it all out. So I wrote a blog entry about it. Pretty simple, right? Even though I am taking it too far in my worries, I know.

Obligatory song. It's really pretty. Makes me sad, but at the same time it's so relaxing and peaceful. One of those songs that feel just right when you're driving a bus and looking at the scenery outside.

As a post scriptum or whatever: I'm kinda sad, because I won't be going to a party tomorrow. Who would have thought thing like that would sadden me, right? Nah, but really, it seems like fun, but it's in a city that's hard to get to from where I live. And so I told some people I won't be going. It's be weird if I went now.